Category Archives: Random musings

I’m sick and tired…

…of being sick and tired!  This week has been a total flop.  Last week I was out sick two days with a sinus infection, and this week all of that sinus gunk moved into my chest and turned into a cough and another infection.  I didn’t call in sick because 1) I had already called in sick just a week ago and 2) I only have one sick day left, which I need to reserve for allergy season!

I started not feeling well Monday but pushed myself to run 5 miles.  Tuesday I was tired, but went out for dinner with a friend.  Wednesday I was feeling much worse and started taking Mucinex, but I made myself go to Bible Study and afterward, although I knew I should have gone home to sleep, I went out with friends.  On top of all the going-going-going, I’m still suffering from insomnia.  By Thursday I was beyond exhausted.  I was able to push through my first three classes, but by the time I got to my afternoon class, I popped in Fantasia and sat down for an hour.  It was about all I could do to keep from falling over.  I had a doctor appointment after school and got on another round of antibiotics.  When I got home around 5:00 I went straight to bed with the intention of sleeping the night through in order to make it through Friday, but my cough woke me up around 6:30.  I woke up starving, exhausted beyond belief, and utterly miserable.  I didn’t want to fix any food and anything I already had didn’t sound appetizing.  I contemplated ordering Chinese but didn’t have any cash on hand and had no energy to get in the car to pick it up.  I called my mom in tears because I was so frustrated with being sick again and not being able to sleep.  She convinced me to eat some oatmeal and I talked for about an hour and started to feel a little better.  My mom convinced me to put a movie and lie down, reminding me that even if I can’t fall asleep, at least I’m resting.  So I popped in Fantasia 2000 and laid there with my eyes closed.  By then I was ready to go to bed and got a restful night of sleep.

I woke up this morning feeling marginally better, but still fairly run-down.  It was killing me today because it was 70 out and gorgeous and all I wanted to do was run and be outside!  Ugh!  I hate that I haven’t run this whole week (except for Monday) and that I’m a week behind now in my training.  As hard as it is, I won’t be running this weekend either.  I expected this to happened and accepted it before I even started my training, but it’s still hard.  I know I’m not running this race to win, but to finish, and even if I have to walk some it’s OK.  Although now that I’m learning to run in the right HR range, I think that even if I don’t get in all the mileage I should before the race, I should be OK.  I’ve been doing really well and I’m sure the excitement of race-day will push me through – if I can just keep myself from pushing too hard.

I’m nervous about next week.  It’s concert week for my choir which means I’ll be in Durham until 10:30 three nights out of the week.  That means I won’t be getting home until nearly 11, and one of my problems all along is that I haven’t been getting enough sleep.  I want to hop back into my training next week, but now I’m scared of running myself ragged again.  I see now that I do, in fact, push myself too hard.  I don’t let myself stop and relax.  I try to do to much.  I told my mom on the phone yesterday that now I understand why she never let me do all the things I wanted to do – I would have killed myself trying!  And I see myself doing that now.  Since the day I was born I haven’t been able to miss a beat.  In fact, I wouldn’t sleep in the car on trips until I was about 16 because I didn’t want to miss anything that was happening.  I understand that being busy is something I need in order to function, but I’ve let it go too far.  As obsessive as I’ve become about being healthy and taking care of myself, I haven’t been taking very good care of myself.  Yes, I’m working out and eating fairly healthily, but I’m not sleeping and I’m not relaxing.  My mental health is out-of-whack.  Last spring I got into the habit of meditating, but I haven’t meditated at all in the past months (except in yoga) because I haven’t had the time.  There is something seriously wrong with that.

So I guess this is a lesson in slowing down and learning to take care of myself, a lesson in truly listening to what my body and mind are telling me.  A lesson in letting myself stop once in a while to rejuvenate.  A lesson in finding the balance between my need to be busy and the reality of doing too much.

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The Importance of Stillness

Today I made a choice, and a very difficult one at that.  I made the choice to stay home.  I made the choice to not stick with my plan.  I made the choice to not go to yoga and to not cross-train today.  I made the choice to skip my workout.  Deep down I’m freaking out about it, but I’m not going to let myself.  This was a choice I needed to make.

I have this nasty little habit of getting stressed out and not knowing that I am until it starts taking a physical and mental toll on me.  I also often can’t pinpoint the cause of my stress.  This flaw in my system caused me to suffer from anxiety and panic attacks in college, which quickly spiraled into serious depression.  Over time I’ve learned to deal with the stress and have overcome my depression, but the past few weeks I’ve been feeling that stress again.  I’ve been moody, my mind is flooded with “toxic thoughts”, my shoulders are tense, I’m moving so quickly I’m literally dropping things every five seconds.  I feel like I haven’t stopped.

Tonight is my yoga and swimming night, but I had to cook so I have nourishment for this week.  I told myself that it was OK to not go to yoga or to the gym.  I told myself that in the grand scheme of things, if I miss a 30-minute cross-training work out, I’ll still be able to run a half-marathon.  Instead I did a little impromptu yoga in my living room while listening to some relaxing music and feel much better.  I got my food cooked and I managed to do some major cleaning.  Mentally, I feel more at peace and I know I made a good choice.

I still don’t know why I’m feeling so stressed, but I suspect it’s because I have so much stuff going on with this half-marathon training.  It’s not the actual training, but the fact that I’m trying to do so much stuff on top of it.  If this race is something I really want to do, it needs to be my focus and I need to not get myself involved in too many other things.  For instance, I joined this Bible study in church not realizing how much work is involved and I’m finding myself stressed out over not being able to get all the reading done and the questions answered.  I think I’m going to have to say no to this for now so I can find my inner stillness again.  I also need to remember that it’s OK to shuffle workouts around and reschedule.  It’s OK to listen to my body (brain included) and know when it’s telling me to take a day to do nothing.  I never do nothing.  So here is my declaration of stillness:

I, Tamara, hereby declare that it is not only OK, but sometimes necessary, to do nothing.  I give myself full permission to recognize when I need a day to be still and calm and to say “no” to the things that I had planned.  I recognize that my mental health is just as important as my physical health, and I will not feel guilty for making choices that will promote my mental well-being.  Just as I give my body the chance to repair itself after working hard, I will give my mind the same opportunity.

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iPod Nano!

My Nano came today and it is the gosh-darndest most adorable piece of technology I have ever seen.  It came in a 2 x 2 x 1.5in plastic box.  Everything fit inside there!  The iPod, the cord, and the headphones.  O…M…G…  It even came with a cute mini Apple sticker.  I am absolutely smitten with this piece of technology!  I have been without an iPod for years and I’ve been wanting one for my classroom, but when I decided that I was going to train for this half marathon I decided that I needed the music to occupy me and to help me keep a pace.  Best.  Decision.  Ever!  I named her Genevieve (yes, I name my technology!)  Here she is!

After my first run with the nano!

Today was back to school for a work day.  I got zero accomplished and have to go back in tomorrow.  I was so tired because even though I was in bed for a good 7 hours last night, I wasn’t really sleeping.  I realized around 1AM that I had been laying there, half asleep, with my eyes closed.  By the time I got home at 7:00 I was so brain dead I didn’t know how I was going to do my workout.  I had a veggie burger and greasy sweet potato fries for lunch, which probably didn’t help much with how I felt (I was still full when I got home…eep!), so when I got home I had some fresh veggies and dip to make me feel better.  After playing around with my iPod for a bit, I got a second wind and decided to try out a kickboxing video workout that I got for my birthday, but I got frustrated with the steps and decided to go give the elliptical at the gym a try.  I thought the gym was open until ten, but that’s only Monday – Thursday.  Turns out they close at nine on Fridays, and I got there at 8:54.  Whoops.  I drove around a little to burn some steam, contemplated grocery shopping, and decided to come home and run for 10 minutes on my treadmill in my apartment.  I forgot what a piece of junk that thing is, but it’s better than nothing!  For one thing, it’s a permanent incline, and a significant one at that, so it was a good workout!

Well, it’s 10:00 and now I have a bunch of energy.  I have a lot to do tomorrow, including a 4-mile run, so I think I might just go to the grocery store…and listen to my nano, of course!  ; )

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