…of being sick and tired! This week has been a total flop. Last week I was out sick two days with a sinus infection, and this week all of that sinus gunk moved into my chest and turned into a cough and another infection. I didn’t call in sick because 1) I had already called in sick just a week ago and 2) I only have one sick day left, which I need to reserve for allergy season!
I started not feeling well Monday but pushed myself to run 5 miles. Tuesday I was tired, but went out for dinner with a friend. Wednesday I was feeling much worse and started taking Mucinex, but I made myself go to Bible Study and afterward, although I knew I should have gone home to sleep, I went out with friends. On top of all the going-going-going, I’m still suffering from insomnia. By Thursday I was beyond exhausted. I was able to push through my first three classes, but by the time I got to my afternoon class, I popped in Fantasia and sat down for an hour. It was about all I could do to keep from falling over. I had a doctor appointment after school and got on another round of antibiotics. When I got home around 5:00 I went straight to bed with the intention of sleeping the night through in order to make it through Friday, but my cough woke me up around 6:30. I woke up starving, exhausted beyond belief, and utterly miserable. I didn’t want to fix any food and anything I already had didn’t sound appetizing. I contemplated ordering Chinese but didn’t have any cash on hand and had no energy to get in the car to pick it up. I called my mom in tears because I was so frustrated with being sick again and not being able to sleep. She convinced me to eat some oatmeal and I talked for about an hour and started to feel a little better. My mom convinced me to put a movie and lie down, reminding me that even if I can’t fall asleep, at least I’m resting. So I popped in Fantasia 2000 and laid there with my eyes closed. By then I was ready to go to bed and got a restful night of sleep.
I woke up this morning feeling marginally better, but still fairly run-down. It was killing me today because it was 70 out and gorgeous and all I wanted to do was run and be outside! Ugh! I hate that I haven’t run this whole week (except for Monday) and that I’m a week behind now in my training. As hard as it is, I won’t be running this weekend either. I expected this to happened and accepted it before I even started my training, but it’s still hard. I know I’m not running this race to win, but to finish, and even if I have to walk some it’s OK. Although now that I’m learning to run in the right HR range, I think that even if I don’t get in all the mileage I should before the race, I should be OK. I’ve been doing really well and I’m sure the excitement of race-day will push me through – if I can just keep myself from pushing too hard.
I’m nervous about next week. It’s concert week for my choir which means I’ll be in Durham until 10:30 three nights out of the week. That means I won’t be getting home until nearly 11, and one of my problems all along is that I haven’t been getting enough sleep. I want to hop back into my training next week, but now I’m scared of running myself ragged again. I see now that I do, in fact, push myself too hard. I don’t let myself stop and relax. I try to do to much. I told my mom on the phone yesterday that now I understand why she never let me do all the things I wanted to do – I would have killed myself trying! And I see myself doing that now. Since the day I was born I haven’t been able to miss a beat. In fact, I wouldn’t sleep in the car on trips until I was about 16 because I didn’t want to miss anything that was happening. I understand that being busy is something I need in order to function, but I’ve let it go too far. As obsessive as I’ve become about being healthy and taking care of myself, I haven’t been taking very good care of myself. Yes, I’m working out and eating fairly healthily, but I’m not sleeping and I’m not relaxing. My mental health is out-of-whack. Last spring I got into the habit of meditating, but I haven’t meditated at all in the past months (except in yoga) because I haven’t had the time. There is something seriously wrong with that.
So I guess this is a lesson in slowing down and learning to take care of myself, a lesson in truly listening to what my body and mind are telling me. A lesson in letting myself stop once in a while to rejuvenate. A lesson in finding the balance between my need to be busy and the reality of doing too much.